2024/03/31

Even though I can never consistently live with the feeling of having value, this is not the all-encompassing state of my life. In the times when my inner self demands value, I am engulfed by the horrible struggle from before, and I can barely find escape. Yet, the roughness of life around me scrubs and grinds my body and mind as I move through it, and eventually I find peace - in the state where I am calm, and the root starting point of all of my suffering disappears.

In these moments, I still cannot find value for myself. But in these moments, I am fine with having no value.

I can firmly sit and enjoy the life around me as it passes by. I can search the world for interesting things, and use them as topics, like before. Yet in this state, I do not care if I get a response. The fact of reaching out to someone itself is enough to keep my mind occupied, and I have no desire - perhaps even no ability - to think of all the possible reactions to my actions.

It is a wonderful existence. No regard for the intricacies or intimacies, just the appreciation of my own ability to speak, and others' ability to hear. Not necessarily listen. I may be appreciated, I may be not. When I am in this state, this worry is tertiary.

However, there is a great problem: there is no clear indication for which state I am in at any given moment. I may talk about something on a whim, throw it out there, or I may clutch myself and wait with bated breath for the reaction of my carefully shared piece. Which one it is, depends on the weather on the surface of Mars. Or perhaps, on subtle details in my life that I cannot pinpoint, and have not been able to for years.

Whenever I catch myself thinking about this stark difference between the two states, I end up wanting to keep being in this second state. When I do not feel pride, I do not feel accomplishment, yet I do not punish myself by yearning for them.

This disregard for the external value brings just enough egotism to let me stay vocal. I do not lock myself away from people, as I no longer care for their feedback as much as I do on other days. This, of course, puts me in danger of actually stepping too far. I may not realize that I am being overly assertive, and whenever I reset back to the previous state, I feel great remorse, even if I am reassured that I never did anything wrong. All of the overthinking comes back immediately, and I can only pray I do not remember most of what I said so that I have nothing to think about.

Neither state is ideal. Neither state gives me the feeling that I have value. In one of the states, I am dreading it greatly, and in the other, I do not care. At the back of my mind, I have hope that the second state leads me to somewhere where I can no longer let the first state take place. Perhaps I can unlock some other state, which finally gives me the self-esteem that I seem to so badly crave half of the time.

But for now, this second state of calmness, of the lack to achieve anything, of the passive want to just exist, while engaging in activities I am used to engage in, is the thing that keeps me going through tough times. The miracle of this phenomenon is that I cannot deny it, as it happens internally and seizes my way of thought, whether I want it or not.

And I end up wanting it, every single time. Even though I anticipate the switch to happen sooner or later once again.

These thoughts are dated. I am writing them with an outlook for the future. I know that I cannot occupy my thoughts with this all the time, as it is incredibly damaging. If I am reading this in the future, I want to know that I have made irrefutable progress. And I can finally feel healthy.

Perhaps I am misinterpreting this state. I could accidentaly give myself value that I am confident in, without realizing it. If that is the case, I desire to do realize it, and live with the fact.